Some people just breeze through their days, blissfully ignorant (or maybe just plain ‘not arsed in the slightest’) of other people’s emotional states. Me? No. I can’t, just CAN’T keep my positive head above water and get on with what I have to do. I know it sounds selfish, but please understand, it feels like I disappear, I kind of…evaporate as though I turn to dust. Immediately, as soon as I sense someone in my proximity feels bad, upset (or anything at all, quite frankly)…whatever I had been feeling PING! gone. Suddenly I am two people, me…or a strange, dislocated, out-of-the-body experience me…and this other person. They don’t even have to confide in me, I just GET it. Plonk.
I am in darkness, despair, a tunnel of never ending greyness…….I feel everything. I see images that do not belong to me. I imagine nightmare scenarios, the causes of these emotions, what has this person been through to have this hanging over them like an eternal rain cloud from hell?!
I can’t snap out of it. I walk around deep in this abyss of THEIR life….as if it’s mine. I talk to them,I try and make them feel better, I really do…but at the end of the day, (as well as being night) I feel worse than them. They know where the root of the distress came from. They were there when this repetitive torment started up. I wasn’t. I can’t switch it off. Because I don’t have the switch. They are laughing but I am still emotionally flailing.
I don’t like it. If I become that blissful ignorant or that ‘not arsed in the slightest’ then I become a bad human being. I don’t want that.