To my TF

I know I said everything was cool. In many many ways, it so is, but why is my heart finding it hard to resist you? As soon as you walk towards me and smile, my soul starts flying. You always hug me, but I always try and hold on to you for a little longer than you do. We are always in crowded places; lately pubs and the festival hall, or at work. I’d like to hug you and just rest there for some minutes, REALLY feeling my heart next to yours. Those eyes of yours are like amazing shiny stars, but at the same time they are the bottomless ocean where I drown and come alive simultaneously. Let me be there for a while too. It feels like my home.

I want you to open up to me, not only about your fears, frustrations, ideas and passions, but I want to see your playful child, the one that can freely express joy and fun without your reluctance to be vulnerable. I’d like to make you laugh until you cry. That’s what you deserve my love, you deserve freedom to be you.

I want us to cook a meal together and for you to feed me like you did today. (I almost cried when you offered me a fork of that sweet delight, but you probably didn’t realise why I refused it at first. It was just a beautiful gesture, but I couldn’t take it). Then, after we’ve eaten and had some wine, we can just relax…lay down on the sofa if you like and appreciate how our love of food make us feel comfort and security. We don’t even have to talk. I want to look after you and you to look after me, as we do now but on a more profound yet simple level. If you’re happy and content, then so will I be.

You told me you don’t want intimacy. But wouldn’t it be beautiful to see our fingers entwined? You have got such lovely hands, I always look at hands and yours are just perfect. I know they would fit mine like a glove. Please, just hold my hand one day soon. The thought of anything sexual with you is such a mind blowing concept to me even though I feel that we would be connected again in our inexplicable way that begins with the soul, engulfs my heart and my body too. You are frightened of me, aren’t you? You are insecure, but my god, you don’t realise that far from taking you over in any way, I will be liquid in your hands. I would never be forceful, we would never be just having sex. No, it would encompass everything I am and all the unconditional love I have for you. Being one body as we are one soul would turn me into us. If you’re not ready for that, I respect and understand always. But please, before you leave, touch my cheek with that soft hand of yours and kiss me! I long for this to happen. You have no idea how much I need to feel your lips.

There is nothing more beautiful than you and my dreams of me and you.

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