To my TF

I know I said everything was cool. In many many ways, it so is, but why is my heart finding it hard to resist you? As soon as you walk towards me and smile, my soul starts flying. You always hug me, but I always try and hold on to you for a little longer than you do. We are always in crowded places; lately pubs and the festival hall, or at work. I’d like to hug you and just rest there for some minutes, REALLY feeling my heart next to yours. Those eyes of yours are like amazing shiny stars, but at the same time they are the bottomless ocean where I drown and come alive simultaneously. Let me be there for a while too. It feels like my home.

I want you to open up to me, not only about your fears, frustrations, ideas and passions, but I want to see your playful child, the one that can freely express joy and fun without your reluctance to be vulnerable. I’d like to make you laugh until you cry. That’s what you deserve my love, you deserve freedom to be you.

I want us to cook a meal together and for you to feed me like you did today. (I almost cried when you offered me a fork of that sweet delight, but you probably didn’t realise why I refused it at first. It was just a beautiful gesture, but I couldn’t take it). Then, after we’ve eaten and had some wine, we can just relax…lay down on the sofa if you like and appreciate how our love of food make us feel comfort and security. We don’t even have to talk. I want to look after you and you to look after me, as we do now but on a more profound yet simple level. If you’re happy and content, then so will I be.

You told me you don’t want intimacy. But wouldn’t it be beautiful to see our fingers entwined? You have got such lovely hands, I always look at hands and yours are just perfect. I know they would fit mine like a glove. Please, just hold my hand one day soon. The thought of anything sexual with you is such a mind blowing concept to me even though I feel that we would be connected again in our inexplicable way that begins with the soul, engulfs my heart and my body too. You are frightened of me, aren’t you? You are insecure, but my god, you don’t realise that far from taking you over in any way, I will be liquid in your hands. I would never be forceful, we would never be just having sex. No, it would encompass everything I am and all the unconditional love I have for you. Being one body as we are one soul would turn me into us. If you’re not ready for that, I respect and understand always. But please, before you leave, touch my cheek with that soft hand of yours and kiss me! I long for this to happen. You have no idea how much I need to feel your lips.

There is nothing more beautiful than you and my dreams of me and you.

My Short Story for teenagers ‘Abandoned’ is now for sale on Kindle.

Yes, I have finally pulled everything together and published Abandoned after 3 years of drafting.

I began it in the summer of 2009 while I was living in Salonika (Thessaloniki) in Greece. I was all alone with 2 months ahead of me, trying to think how I could creatively enjoy my time off school as an English teacher. I had always loved writing stories and illustrating, and I had been utilising this passion for my Greek students, making up stories for them to help them contextualise vocabulary that we were learning in class, and how to use grammatical structures correctly. It proved to be fun and soon I was writing more and more for them, which made me really happy as I was encouraging them to read and also to be creative as homework tasks were set such as write your own conclusion to this story.

So I spent a lot of time in my study planning the plot and drawing sketches of the characters. I became utterly absorbed in my new fantasy world and would type away from the hours of 9pm to 4am every night; the balcony doors wide open, a gentle summer night breeze bellowing the curtains and my favourite Rock Radio Station playing  in the background. It was the ONLY time that the city was quiet and cool enough for me to focus so I became a night owl. I loved it!

this is typical of my nightly sky views from my apartment

The City streets where I would walk

it was a very inspiring city for the writer

Thessaloniki will always be my Muse. It’s my heart (kardia in Greek) and soul (psihi) and I miss it terribly.

Here is the front cover of my book. I designed it myself using Photoshop.

The Synopsis

Casey is a spoiled sixteen year old. She does not appreciate her parents, her privileged life or anyone who doesn’t adhere to her beliefs or passions. When her father accepts a post as a village Doctor and they move into a beautiful old mansion in the countryside, she is determined to rebel. Bored and angry to have left her friends back in the city she decides to defy her selfish parents, refusing to make friends with neighbours Lee and Lisa, and determined to spend her days alone.
But her bad attitude is about to change.
It all begins with Eliza. She discovers her punk rag doll under her bed, but there is something sinister about her. This doll is sad and torn and makes Casey uneasy and afraid. On a solitary walk she comes across a house that looks exactly like her own, but is deserted and burned out. It haunts her with terrifying feelings which draw her back there again and again. This begins a rollercoaster ride of fear, sadness, love and self-discovery. The house weaves the web which entangles Casey into a series of events connecting the doll, the boy called Lee and her fated future.
Why does Eliza, her doll, keep appearing in that house?
Who is the handsome boy wearing her favourite t-shirt who hangs out in the burnt out attic bedroom. Why is he petrified of her?
Gradually, Casey begins to piece together the sinister clues from her journal entries and sketchbooks that manifest themselves in that house. Eventually they lead her to a terrifying discovery. Can she look deep into herself and mend her selfish ways before she destroys herself and the people she loves?

~*~

You can read two ‘taster’ chapters on my website:

http://www.birdsbecomefishes.co.uk/storiesforyoungchildren.html

 or look inside the book on the Amazon Website. It can also be purchased here:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Abandoned-ebook/dp/B00A1D1E3I/ref=sr_1_cc_1?s=aps&ie=UTF8&qid=1352313789&sr=1-1-catcorr

Casey’s life, loves and encounters with the paranormal can also be followed on her WordPress Blog:

caseyepapadaki.wordpress.com

I really hope that my first short story resonates with young readers and adults alike.

There are two main themes running through the plot; Don’t judge people on appearances and Every action has a consequence.

Enjoy, and please leave a review on the Amazon site if you are kind enough to purchase it, or leave a comment.

If you haven’t got Kindle and would like a copy of the story, I can send either a PDF file or Word document file to your email address for the same price as on Amazon~£2. 55 ($4)

Please email me (serenajane72@yahoo.co.uk) or leave a comment and I will get get back to you with payment detail.

Bright Blessings to All!

~S~

Absorption & my downward spiral (other people’s emotions)

Some people just breeze through their days, blissfully ignorant (or maybe just plain ‘not arsed in the slightest’) of other people’s emotional states. Me? No. I can’t, just CAN’T keep my positive head above water and get on with what I have to do. I know it sounds selfish, but please understand, it feels like I disappear, I kind of…evaporate as though I turn to dust. Immediately, as soon as I sense someone in my proximity feels bad, upset (or anything at all, quite frankly)…whatever I had been feeling PING! gone. Suddenly I am two people, me…or a strange, dislocated, out-of-the-body experience me…and this other person. They don’t even have to confide in me, I just GET it. Plonk.

I am in darkness, despair, a tunnel of never ending greyness…….I feel everything. I see images that do not belong to me. I imagine nightmare scenarios, the causes of these emotions, what has this person been through to have this hanging over them like an eternal rain cloud from hell?!

I can’t snap out of it. I walk around deep in this abyss of THEIR life….as if it’s mine. I talk to them,I try and make them feel better, I really do…but at the end of the day, (as well as being night) I feel worse than them. They know where the root of the distress came from. They were there when this repetitive torment started up. I wasn’t. I can’t switch it off. Because I don’t have the switch. They are laughing but I am still emotionally flailing.

I don’t like it. If I become that blissful ignorant or that ‘not arsed in the slightest’ then I become a bad human being. I don’t want that.

Feeling: scratched at from the inside. Irritable. I need peace ans space from other people’s vibes.
 Eating: Left overs…. tortilla with cold chicken, a few sprinkled sweet corns, humous and cheese
Drinking: tea. simple and comforting
Wearing: Leggings. Hippie smock. Comfortable.
Wanting: to be somewhere warm. I miss Greece and I’ve just heard from a friend of a friend who lives in my old neighbourhood. (Sniff.  )
Weather: It was lovely today. Aromas of Spring. But not as flavoursome as Greek Spring
Enjoying: thinking about the past….
Thinking: how we try so hard to be happy…do we have any control over our fates? Really?
 Needing: sun and peace
Listening: too many vibes and voices that are not mine
I so need to switch off……